The Heather Show

All done. Finally. I have created an absolute sea of #wedding...

Wed, 01 May 2013 06:05:14 -0400

All done. Finally. I have created an absolute sea of #wedding gift bags!

These turned out SO beautifully!! Pendants to hang from my...

Tue, 30 Apr 2013 22:50:50 -0400

These turned out SO beautifully!! Pendants to hang from my #bridal bouquet! One features my #wedding ribbon & heather flowers. The other is a memorial for my best friend Alastair. It has my favorite photo of him, heather flowers from my wedding, and heather flowers from his funeral.

Fireworks

Tue, 20 Nov 2012 01:39:04 -0500

Nineteen days. I’ve had the most beautiful nineteen days of my entire life. Filled with more happiness than I could ever imagine, thanks to a wonderful man & myriad magical moments with him.

If you haven’t already heard the news that I’ve been shouting like crazy over Twitter, I have a boyfriend! His name is Marshall. Things have gone rather quickly… We only met for the first time on November 1st. Believe me, I always used to shake my head at people who jumped into relationships so quickly, who seemed too terribly antsy to fall in love. I never understood it before.

I take it all back. I get it now.

We still can’t help but shake the feeling that we’re either caught in some kind of time vortex, or are simply dating in dog years. Because it sure as hell feels like we’ve known each other for more like 19 months - maybe even 19 years - rather than 19 days.

Throughout these past nineteen days, so many strange coincidences have occurred. So many magical little moments filled with perfect timing & events unfolding in precise concert. What’s more, apparently these coincidences have been happening long before we ever met.

Only a few days after we first met, Marshall was telling me a story when we first felt a hint in our hearts that maybe there was something bigger going on. The story went like this.

   Several years ago, one of Marshall’s sisters was getting married on some private land here in Virginia. They had asked the owner if they could shoot off fireworks, to which the owner replied, “Sure, so long as they’re quiet fireworks!”
   Thinking that was a bit of an oxymoron, they decided to just go for it. His Father purchased a massive amount of professional-grade fireworks, rigged in mixed sets. Since Marshall was the only one underage at the time & didn’t get to partake in the libations, he was given the coveted duty of setting off the fireworks.
   Just after they set off the first rigging, they suddenly saw a frantic figure racing toward them across a wide open field, waving their arms & shouting to stop. The fireworks had spooked the horses, so they were left with a huge cache of fireworks. They easily could have supplied a small city’s Independence Day celebration with what they had left.

Not wanting to be wasteful, Marshall & a friend later figured out a sneaky way to use up the remaining fireworks. He discovered a rather sizeable park situated right behind a middle school near where he lived at the time. The entrances to each property were on completely opposite roads & quite far apart. He parked at the middle school, carried the fireworks through a thicket into the park, dug a trench, and set them up. Once lit, the fuse lasted just long enough for he & his friend to make a mad dash back to the car, watch the fireworks, then leave the middle school just as the police arrived on the far side of the park. They were free & clear!

As he recounted this story, a vivid memory popped into my mind. I started to get a quizzical look on my face & could no longer hold in my curiosity. Close to the end of this story I started asking seemingly random questions.

”Was this in Reston?” Yes.

”Were there six fireworks?” Um, yes.

”Around what year would this have been?” Uhh… 2005 or 2006.

”And it wasn’t anywhere close to the Fourth of July, Veteran’s Day, or any other holiday that could possibly be celebrated with fireworks?” Nope.

”Which side of Reston was it on? If you’re driving on the Dulles Toll Road, is it on the same side as Reston Town Center?” Mmhmm.

”From that vantage point, would it look like the fireworks were set off from a little ways back from the tall buildings, but still visible from the road?” Yes…

Clearly at this point Marshall was a little taken aback. He asked what exactly I was getting at. At which point I recounted a memory of my own.

Around that precise time frame, my Father, brother & I were driving home along the Dulles Toll Road - a major highway running from the National Beltway out through the Northern Virginia tech corridor. Just as we passed the town of Reston, with its gorgeous tall buildings, I looked out my window & saw a sudden series of six beautiful, gigantic, professional fireworks. Only six.

   It seemed incredibly odd to met at the time. I asked my Dad if he knew of anything was going on in Reston Town Center that night. Reston Town Center is a large shopping center situated right by the highway. Imagine if Disney tried to replicate a few blocks of New York City; that’s Reston Town Center. Large tall buildings, cute shop-lined streets, and a large plaza in the center with a fountain & a covered theater area. They frequently host concerts, festivals, and even ice skating in the winter. My natural guess was that something fun was happening, and that we were missing it!
   But as we drove by, I started to think, the fireworks seemed a little too far away to be coming from Reston Town Center itself. I tried to think what other areas in that part of Reston would be shooting off fireworks at such a random time of year, but nothing came to mind.
   As soon as we got back home, I immediately started googling. After all, if there was something fun going on, I didn’t want to miss out. But much to my surprise & dismay, nothing came up. I simply couldn’t find a reason for sudden professional-grade fireworks.

Turns out that reason was Marshall.

Naturally, as we compared our memories, went over additional details - all of which matched up flawlessly - we were both quite surprised. Impressed & a little bit overwhelmed, we both decided that Marshall somehow knew his love would drive by at just that moment, so he put on a little show just for me.
If only I had driven toward those fireworks, maybe I would have found him so much sooner.

Since the night of that rather awe-inspiring discovery, we’ve been surrounded by similar magical moments, both large & small. For instance, when Marshall told this story to his Mother, they heard random fireworks going off in the neighborhood. In November.
Then again tonight, another magical moment happened out of the blue while we were driving back from a quick shopping trip. As we pulled up to a red light, Marshall looked me in the eyes & told me he loved me. Just as we kissed, Sirius XM started playing ‘I’ve Never Been in Love Before’ from Guys & Dolls. Not only did the lyrics describe so perfectly the way we both felt, but we were watching ‘Guys & Dolls’ when I felt the very first inkling that I was falling in love with him. We were caught up in the moment for a few seconds, before yet again we started laughing at being smacked upside the face by the universe’s impeccable timing. For about the hundredth time, it couldn’t be more obvious that there’s something a little bit bigger going on than we currently realize.

Although we did get a good giggle out of the idea that - between the fireworks, this, and everything else - Marshall is clearly a remarkable romantic planner! I can’t imagine how difficult it must have been for him to get the timing of the red light just right, let alone convince Sirius XM to play that specific song at precisely 7:26pm! Then to ensure no other cars cut us off on the way there! He is quite a man though, so hey, I wouldn’t put it past him!

In all seriousness, it is quite funny how the universe works such things out. Neither one of us was looking to fall in love. Hell, I was in a way actively trying to avoid it. I haven’t exactly felt it fair to fall in love given my current medical circumstances. But as it turns out, the universe had other plans. And now it seems to be taking great pride in reminding us on a nearly daily basis that it’s in charge & oh boy how we were wrong!
Although, of all the times in life to be proven so thoroughly wrong, I’m incredibly, eternally grateful it was this time. Because I’ve never been happier & I never in a million years thought love could feel this way.

Let alone in only nineteen glorious, miraculous, serendipitous days.

Huey Lewis Was Right. And So Was I.

Sun, 11 Nov 2012 17:09:34 -0500

The past four years have been hell. Absolute hell. My body exploded, swelling up like a giant balloon. The pain was so intense most of the time I couldn’t get out of bed. My central nervous system refused to cooperate. My veins & arteries were constantly spasming, interrupting blood flow, leading to cognitive dysfuntion, improper heart rhythms, and essentially, just a whole lot of suckiness. My nerve endings were constantly screaming, every minute of every day.
My body was tearing itself apart, bit by bit.

In all that time, my doctors tried everything they could to help. I saw hundreds of specialists (literally), had what felt like millions of tests, took trillions of pills. We got nowhere.

Through the last two years of this agony, I had a sneaking suspicion about something that I thought might help. But I kept doubting myself. For a while I even thought maybe I was crazy; nothing but wishful thinking from a sad heart.
I thought that maybe - just maybe - like in all those fairy tales we heard as kids, a kiss might reverse this curse. Maybe all this time I was stuck, like that prince trapped in the body of a frog, just waiting for the right person to come along.

I talked to doctors about it. I actually had some data to back up my suspicions. At the time, only a single friend believed me & saw any merit in the idea. So he kindly flirted with me long distance. We tracked every piece of information. I weighed myself multiple times every day. After a few weeks, I lost twenty pounds. It seemed to be working.

But I kept getting funny sideways glances from my doctors. It just didn’t seem to make any sense. So I trusted in their judgement & cast my silly notions aside.

Then in February, as my blood vessels continued to worsen & I found myself facing a constant game of Russian Roulette with my own cardiac system, I met with a doctor at Johns Hopkins. He seemed to tie together all the loose threads created by myriad specialists. He took each random test result, each sporadic opinion, weaving them together into a tapestry that seemed to finally make sense.
After 27 years of constant pain & agony, my central nervous system could no longer take it. It was trapped in the sympathetic nervous state - a state of high alert, ‘fight or flight’ - and could no longer return to the parasympathetic state of rest.

As he said those words & explained each little detail of how the body behaves differently between those two states of being, I couldn’t help but think about my crazy fairy tale. After all, I knew from basic biology there were only two ways to force the central nervous system into the parasympathetic state - vigorous exercise & arousal.
I started to think, maybe I wasn’t so crazy after all.

   I worked up the nerve to open my mouth, confess my suspicions, and face yet another sideways glance from yet another doctor.
   Except this time, there was no sideways glance. There was no reaction of incredulity & concern for my sanity.
   Dr. Levine cocked his head, leaned against the wall & said, “Hmm… you might be on to something there… Let me think about this.”

I sat there in silence for what felt like an eternity, waiting for him as he leaned up against that wall & contemplated. Much to my surprise, his conclusion matched mine. Besides, as he said, it couldn’t hurt to try, right? If nothing else, it was far superior to the only other option he could think of - an experimental drug that could either freeze my symptoms & keep them from getting any worse, or… make them drastically worse & kill me faster.

   Finally with a prominent doctor to back me up, I embarked on my search. I had tried everything I could with friends over long distances, but it wasn’t enough. I needed to find a willing partner nearby, someone I could trust. Someone I connected with. Someone who would understand.
   First I searched quietly, asking friends & family if they happened to know anyone in the area. When that didn’t work, I turned to my wonderful band of friends in Twitterland. I kept looking & looking, all the while my symptoms getting worse & worse. In desperation, I confessed my entire story here on my blog, all red-faced & filled with embarrassment.
   Yet after all of that, still nothing. No one. I was just about to give up…

And then I found Marshall.

It’s been a week so far. A blissful bubble of a week. I’ve already lost 12 pounds. For the first time in my entire life, I woke up this morning without any pain. I’ve gotten so used to hurting every minute of every day, that occasionally now when I stand up, my legs feel so foreign I fall right back down again. It’s an adjustment, but a marvelous one.

This morning when I weighed myself yet again, I was overwhelmed when I saw the scale. I’ve lost enough weight that for the first time in four years, I no longer have to say that I’m carrying around over 100 pounds of fluid. I was so relieved, so grateful, so happy, that I immediately started crying.

It feels like the beginning of the end of a nearly life-long nightmare. As verbose as I usually am, I still can’t quite find the words to encapsulate just how incredibly, joyously happy I am. How relieved I am. How profoundly grateful. For the longest time now, I’ve suspected that the only way to find answers to my illness would be an autopsy. I thought all I could hope for would be to prolong that inevitability as long as possible.

Now there’s hope. Now I’m happy. All because Huey Lewis was right. And so was I.
It’s the power of love.

An Embarrassing Plea For Help

Fri, 19 Oct 2012 06:16:00 -0400

I find myself stuck in a very strange, yet perilous situation. I’m in need of help but don’t know where to turn. What I need is more than a bit embarrassing. Yet my life literally hangs in the balance. I have decided that saving my own life is worth any potential embarrassment or humiliation that may come from sharing my predicament online.
So here goes nothing.

My name is Heather. I’m 27 years old. And my body is destroying itself.

I suffer from a very, very rare genetic condition called Dercum’s Disease. Despite having been discovered well over a hundred years ago, it has not been very thoroughly studied. What’s more, the few doctors who have researched the disease have stated that I have the absolute worst, most advanced case of the disease they have ever seen in someone so young.
I am in absolutely unknown territory, battling a potentially fatal disease with very little information to help me. My body has taken me beyond the realm of what medical science can offer me.

To give you a basic primer in Dercum’s Disease, the root of the condition is a genetic glitch that leads to the mutation of certain fat & protein cells in the body. These cells are required for multiple bodily functions. For instance, your liver uses fat cells in order to do its job.
Naturally, when those cells are mutated, that alters the way the liver functions. Which then has a cascading effect throughout the rest of my body. If the liver’s function is slightly altered, that affects how my kidneys function. Which alters my bladder, my adrenal gland, my endocrine system, etc. Until the entire chain of dominoes has affected each & every part of my body.

    But that’s not even the worst part of the disease, as I have since come to learn. The disease also alters the way nerve endings form in connective tissues throughout the body.
    In short, in any given spot on my body I have five to ten times as many nerve endings as normal. Not only do I have too many nerve endings, but they’re also malformed.
    I liken it to the sense of hearing. Imagine if someone turned up the volume on your sense of hearing ten fold. Suddenly average every day noises would become deafening screams. It’s like that for my sense of touch. Absolutely every inch of my body hurts all day, every day. I feel everything too intensely. Sitting on a fold of fabric can feel like sitting on a rock.

As I age, this issue is getting worse. Much worse. I thought the only consequence of these plentiful, malformed nerve endings would be I’d have to continue to deal with unbearable pain. I’ve never had a single day of my life where I was free from pain. I figured I’d go on living that way & I could manage.
But now my nervous system is starting to show signs of wear. And it’s starting to take the rest of my body downhill with it.

Starting in November of 2010, I started seeing this.

Yeah. Not exactly a happy sight.

The first time this happened it was 3 in the morning. I woke up to go to the bathroom. I was all bleary-eyed until I went to wash my hands. I opened my eyes as I put my hands under the running water, only to scream when I saw my veins lit up like neon. It was so startling that I thought I was hallucinating. But I wasn’t.

My veins stayed that way for several hours. The longer it lasted, the worse it got. My soft tissue started to feel as if it was slowly turning to stone. Eventually I started to lose motion in my fingers. Needless to say it was quite frightening.

    Over the next several weeks it kept happening in random areas all over my body. On my thighs, my feet, up my arms.
    But the scariest moment was when it happened up my chest, neck & face. As that sensation of turning to stone returned, I started to lose my mind. I could feel my consciousness slip through my fingers. My memory was fading, I found it harder & harder to speak. The left side of my face began to sag. Sanity was walking away from me, step by step.
    My brain was turning to lifeless stone just as surely as my hands had. It was absolutely terrifying. Like having a stroke in slow motion.

I’ve spent the past year and a half trying to figure out why my veins are behaving this way. The day before yesterday I finally got an answer.

It’s because of the very same excessive, malformed nerve endings that cause my pain.
Basically, my autonomic nervous system is all messed up.

When a normal person is injured, when you feel pain, the nervous system responds a certain way. Your body produces endorphins to counteract the pain. Your immune system responds to the area, attempting to heal you. The nervous system alters the way blood flows to the area, dilating blood vessels & the lymphatic system at the site of the injury.
What do you think would happen if every inch of your body was sending pain signals for every minute of every day you were alive?

That’s what’s happening to me. After 27 years, naturally my body’s worn out. Those signals are getting erratic, the response is getting messed up & burned out. My body’s natural production of endorphins is shot.
And my blood vessels, well. They’re dilating & contracting to extremes at all the wrong times.

It’s happening all over my body, at random. Including in my brain. It’s already been bad enough to cause stroke-like symptoms. And it’s getting worse.

In addition, it also explains why my body is swollen all the time. For nearly four years my doctors have been trying to figure out why my body is constantly retaining fluid. Now, thanks to doctors at Johns Hopkins, we think we’ve figured out why. Given all the pain signals, given that my body is always stuck at a state of inflammation it’s no wonder I’m swollen.

The problem seems to be that I’m stuck in what’s known as the Sympathetic nervous state - the body’s natural response to pain. I can’t seem to get back into a state of rest - the Parasympathetic state - precisely because of all those constant nerve signals. When in the parasympathetic state, the regulation of blood vessels & the lymph system becomes more constant. The body calms back down & your body rests.

It seems my body can no longer cycle back into the Parasympathetic state on its own. It has to be forced, kickstarted like a car with a dead battery.

There are only two ways to do that.

Vigorous exercise & sexual arousal.

Vigorous exercise is out, precisely because it triggers more pain signals & ultimately just makes everything worse. Which leaves only one option.

    The interesting thing is, I’ve already proven that arousal does indeed have a positive effect on my body. Although I haven’t had a boyfriend for several years, a friend of mine did start flirting with me unexpectedly one night about two years ago. We flirted for a couple hours, then all of a sudden I had to pee. BAD.
    At that time I had been keeping a daily weight journal. I would weigh myself three times a day, morning, noon, and night. I had just weighed myself before the unexpected flirting began.
    When I suddenly had to run to the bathroom, I became a bit curious when it seemed like I’d been sitting on the toilet for what felt like 10 minutes. So when I was done, I weighed myself again.

I lost three pounds. In one trip to the bathroom.

I was baffled. I thought maybe the scale was off. I told my friend what happened. Naturally he didn’t mind, so we kept flirting.

It happened again. This time I lost five pounds.

    I talked to my Doctor about it. He had no explanation at the time as to why that was. But we were so desperate to find some way to get rid of the edema that was swallowing my body that we figured it was worth a shot.
    My Doctor helped me develop a scientific way of tracking the weight loss. Using the pain scale as a model, I used a scale of 1 to 10 to track just how aroused I became. We timed each “flirt session”. I weighed myself before each “session”, before each trip to the bathroom, and after. I kept extensive records of everything.
    With the help of my friend, we’d flirt online at the same time every evening, every other day. The thought was, we’d make it a habit, to see if eventually my body would start to anticipate it and maybe even start processing the fluid on its own.

After one month, I’d lost 20 pounds. The next month, I lost 30 pounds. Whatever it was, it was working.

I tried talking to other doctors & specialists about it. But naturally, I got quite a few crazy looks & no one wanted to listen.
That is, until the day before yesterday at Johns Hopkins. Someone finally listened & thought long enough to figure it out. They tied it all back together for me.

It makes total sense. If my body is stuck in the Sympathetic nervous state, if it’s constantly at a state of inflammation, sexual arousal would push my body back into the Parasympathetic state. It would force my body to be at a state of rest. It would regulate my erratic blood flow & lymphatic drainage, causing the edema trapped in my soft tissue to finally cycle through my kidneys the way it properly should.
The swelling comes off. My veins regulate normally. Endorphins get produced to calm down my pain. My body finally gets back to a state closer to normality. I finally get a chance to calm down.

You’re probably asking, great, so why don’t you just make out with a friend & take care of it?
Well. I don’t have any single male friends nearby.

Which is why I’m writing this embarrassing blog entry, putting the intimate details of my medical history up here for all the world to see.
I know this sounds ridiculous. Like the plot of the world’s most unbelievable porno. But I swear on my life, it’s the truth.

That’s my story. That’s what I need. I’m a damsel in distress & I don’t know where to turn.
If you think you can help, or if you know a kind-hearted, healthy, willing, honorable young man in Northern Virginia who would be willing to work with me, it would mean the world to me. It would literally save my life. The blood flow issues are quickly getting worse. I’ve already had the equivalent of two strokes. If it continues to progress I could end up with serious brain damage or even death.

I want my life back. I don’t want to be miserable & in agony for every minute of every day. I want to look like myself again.
But most importantly, I don’t want to die. It’s worth the embarrassment to keep myself alive.

I just can’t do this on my own. (Believe me, I’ve tried. I’m just not wired that way.)
Please. I’m begging you. I need help. I need an honorable, trustworthy man who’s willing to help save my life.

If you think you can help, please, please email me - HLawver AT gmail DOT com. Or tweet me, @HLawver.
NO creeps, please. I’ll be able to spot you right away, so don’t even try.

Thank you.

Update: September 23, 2012

After a plethora of questions since posting this plea, I thought I would add an update for the sake of clarity. Thus, here are a few important details.

First & foremost, I am NOT looking for sex! In fact, intercourse would be both dangerous & counterproductive, for a whole host of reasons I don’t much feel like getting into at the moment.

Therefore, please know that all I’m looking for is kissing! Basic make out stuff.
The overall goal with this particular plan is to attempt to retrain my body to get back into the habit of entering the parasympathetic nervous state on its own, as well as again producing natural endorphins on its own on a regular basis & in higher quantities.

In order to achieve that goal, my doctors developed a basic strategy. The idea is to achieve a state of arousal on a set schedule. The idea being that eventually my body will acclimate to the idea of entering the parasympathetic state & producing endorphins at set, specific times, until eventually my body will anticipate that state & then hopefully achieve that state on its own again.
In order to do that, I need someone to basically make out with me on a schedule. Starting out slow, maybe twice a week. For example, every evening at 7pm for a set amount of time, doing the bare minimum necessary to achieve a state of arousal. Then as my body gets used to that, increase the timing to maybe every other day. My doctor’s looking at it almost the same way as if prescribing pain medication - you start out with the lowest dose possible, because you know that eventually your body will get used to it & require higher and higher doses. At least, that’s the way they described it to me, which I suppose makes sense.

So that’s the basic idea. Making out on a schedule until my body can hopefully enter the parasympathetic state on its own again.

Now to answer some basic questions I’ve been asked a million times:

Q: Can’t you handle this on your own? Sorry, nope. Believe me, if I could take care of this on my own in any way whatsoever, I would gladly have done that before going through the embarrassment & frustration of trying to find a make out buddy. Trust me, I’ve tried absolutely everything I possibly could. Nothin’ works.

Q: If that doesn’t work, how do you know make outs will? I don’t. I’m just holding out hope that it will because that’s the last thing left to try. I have to hold out hope, though, because this is my last shot. It’s the only thing left to literally stay alive.

Q: Don’t you have any male friends around who can help? Well, all my male friends are married. That’s just… no. Nu huh. No way. I do have multiple very lovely single male friends, but they all live far, far away & I can’t afford to fly them out here for months on end to make this work. I really, really wish I could, cause that would be a helluva lot easier & less embarrassing.

Q: What about meeting people at bars & stuff? I’ve had an impossible time trying to meet people because my doctors have me on bed rest. I spend pretty much all of my time stuck in my room. Kinda hard to meet people that way. Pretty much every time I move, I hurt. Every time I hurt, inflammation gets worse. When the inflammation gets worse, the vein issue gets worse. So when I go out of the house, I’m in intense pain & I’m not exactly at my most presentable. That also makes my situation worse & prognosis worse. So I’m stuck in a total catch 22. I need to meet someone, yet going out to meet someone makes my situation ten times worse. Hence why I’m turning to the Internet.

Q: Are you expecting the make out buddy to be your boyfriend? Absolutely not. I don’t expect any serious commitment out of this, nor do I even necessarily want it. I don’t expect you to love me. I’m not expecting you to act like a boyfriend. Although naturally, this whole situation would be much easier if we do actually like each other & get along. :)

Q: What age range are you looking for? I’m pretty open on that. Again, since this isn’t a relationship deal, I really don’t care. I have friends in a wide range of ages & in some ways, I’ve always gotten along better with those older than me. I think that comes from chronic illness. It tends to cause maturity levels to speed up early on, having to face your own mortality & such. But anyway, yeah, I’m open to a pretty wide range. If I had to put a specific number on it, I’d say somewhere between 20 & 40. But that’s not absolute, by any means.

Q: What other requirements are there? The biggest requirement I can think of has to do with preventing infections. My immune system is HIGHLY compromised. If I get a cold, it can literally last six months. So I would have to ask that whoever my make out buddy is, that they be extremely, extremely careful about avoiding anyone who’s sick, washing their hands regularly, etc etc. Aside from that, I do have some allergy issues. I’m highly allergic to cigarette smoke, so I’m afraid I can’t be around smokers. I also can’t be around colognes or anything with a really strong scent. But aside from that, I think that’s pretty much it. Oh, and of course, there is the matter of living close enough to make this whole situation workable. I live in Northern Virginia. Don’t wanna say more than that for now though.

I hope that helps answer some questions. If you have any other questions, please feel free to tweet me - @HLawver - or email me - HLawver AT gmail DOT com.

Thank you again!

Update 2 - October 19, 2012

I’m very sad to report that I have yet to find anyone willing to help. Hell, I haven’t even heard from anyone! At all! And I’m running out of time. Just look.

That photo was taken just three days ago by a doctor who performed a Tilt-Table Test on me, to evaluate another aspect in which my autonomic nervous system is responding inappropriately. He is now the fourth doctor to have witnessed & documented my symptoms. I have the medical records to prove it.

Please, I’m begging you. Help in any way you can. I’m quickly running out of time.
Thank you.

Update 3 - November 11, 2012 - Calling Off The Search!

I found someone! Finally! And he’s very nice. :) So we can officially call off the search. My embarrassing plea has been answered. More details to come. :)

This photo was taken by a doctor during a Tilt-Table Test, to...

Fri, 19 Oct 2012 06:12:05 -0400

This photo was taken by a doctor during a Tilt-Table Test, to assess part of my autonomic nervous system & its inappropriate responses. Suffice it to say, my vein issues are getting drastically worse & I’m running out of time. Please help if you can: http://j.mp/pleapls

When I was 12, I was lucky enough to have the opportunity to...

Mon, 15 Oct 2012 17:59:36 -0400

When I was 12, I was lucky enough to have the opportunity to live in Italy with my family. As we prepared to go to Europe, my parents tailored the home-schooling curriculum my next oldest brother & I used, in an effort to prepare us for everything we would see & experience. We studied art history, philosophy, European culture, religion, sociology, and regional history.
The one aspect of that curriculum I really loved was our study of religion. That year before our trip, we celebrated every Jewish holiday with some dear friends who taught us their faith & culture. We also met with Holocaust survivors, saw the numbers forever inked in their skin, and listened to their heart-breaking stories.

Then when we finally made our trip to Italy, we got to see for ourselves everything we had heard about.
That included a trip to the Dachau concentration camp outside of Munich. I will never forget the sights, sounds, and smells of that experience.
These rings came from that concentration camp. In a hidden alcove, far in the back fields of Dachau, are several memorials established by the various religions of the world. One such memorial, established by the Roman Catholic church, includes a working convent. The Sisters there take a vow of silence & work to preserve the history & experiences of the prisoners of all faiths at Dachau.

When you first walk into the convent, there’s a small walled off courtyard with a minute garden. The first thing you see as you walk in is a glass case on the wall, containing a beautifully hand-crafted aged white vestment, with what appears to be gold thread embroidered across the hem in a very specific pattern. It shows a cross, surrounded by perfect circles, all painstakingly hand-stitched.
Those vestments were made by prisoners held at Dachau. They labored for over a year, hiding scraps from their clothing & limited bed sheeting. They saved any tin cans they could find & whittled them down into thread to create that embroidered pattern.
They risked their lives & toiled in fear for over a year, all so a Greek Orthodox Priest imprisoned with them could prepare the sacrament for the Christian believers amongst the imprisoned.
Prisoners of all faiths, all creeds, risked their lives & worked together so we could all worship in our own way.

That Priest was able to serve the sacrament just once before he was captured & killed.
The other prisoners hid the vestments from the Nazi guards by burying them out in the far fields. Because of their efforts, future generations will remember their service & sacrifice.

The Nuns at that convent use the pattern embroidered on that vestment, recreating it on rings, as a reminder of cooperation between faiths and self-sacrifice for our fellow man and for our God. These rings were one of the last to be made from the railroad spikes that used to lead prisoners into the camps. Now those rail spikes serve as a reminder to me of cooperation, selflessness, respect, love, and hope.

I bought two rings that day. One for me, which I wore so often it now has a stark patina. The other I’m saving for my husband, if I ever get married.
Unfortunately I haven’t been able to wear my ring recently, because of my illness. It’s a bit too painful to wear something so thick. But I think of it always & I’ll never forget it. That pattern & its meaning has been thoroughly imprinted on my heart. (Taken with Instagram)

I finished this pink ombre Swarovski crystal...

Wed, 03 Oct 2012 16:49:09 -0400

I finished this pink ombre Swarovski crystal “tiara-band” headband just yesterday! It was an all-nighter project. I absolutely love it! When I put it on, I feel like I turn into Princess Pink Sparkle, who can do anything, go anywhere, and charm anyone! Or at least blind them with all the bling… :) I’m gonna make another one soon in a pretty lavender ombre! I’m excited. :) (Taken with Instagram)

Check out the latest addition to my growing collection of...

Wed, 22 Aug 2012 06:20:48 -0400

Check out the latest addition to my growing collection of Batman: The Animated Series accessories! It’s a Joker iPhone case, hand embellished with hundreds of Swarovski crystals!! Made by me! :-D I’m very, very proud of it! I still need to do some touch ups, cleaning up a bit of errant glue here & there. But I’m oh so very proud of it. I’ll post a full blog entry on it later! And hey, if there are any fellow Batman fans out there who would like a custom necklace or gadget case, feel free to call on me! I’d love to make you one!! :) In the meantime, keep an eye on my blog & on my tweets - I’ve already started work on a Batman necklace!! :) (Taken with Instagram)

Ten Steps to Heather Happiness

Wed, 01 Aug 2012 14:25:00 -0400

In keeping with my shower-time tradition of thought experiments, yesterday I decided to come up with a short list of the “Keys to Heather Happiness”. I originally posted an 8-point list on Twitter last night, but upon further reflection today I realized I left out a few vitally important favorites!
Thus I have updated my list, creating a well-rounded total of ten. Without further ado, I proudly present…

The Ten Steps to Heather Happiness

1 - Giggles
2 - Niceness
3 - Sparklies
4 - Perfume
5 - Hugs
6 - Massage
7 - Meat
8 - Make Out
9 - ???
10 - Profit!

Hehe :) I was tempted to include “apple chips” on the list, since lately I’ve been rather obsessed with them. But I’m a bit of a cyclical eater - I’ll obsess over one snack or dessert for a short period of time, then move on to something else. Before apple chips it was a specific type of chocolate from Israel. Before that, fun dip. And so on. Those obsessions are short lived, but meat has been forever constant. Thus I hope Yves Saint Laurent will forgive me for borrowing his sentiments in saying, obsessions fade, but meat is eternal. :)

As with my previously posted shower-time thought experiments, I’d love to hear what your Top Ten Keys to Happiness are! Give it a think, then either post it in a comment or post it on your own tumblr page & share the link with us!
Thanks! And here’s to being happy!

Why I'm Politically Independent

Sat, 28 Jul 2012 02:33:46 -0400

A recent Twitter discussion reminded me of this blog post I originally wrote back in 2010 after a very long two-year research odyssey that began when deciding who to vote for in 2008. The more I learned in those two years, the more I realized where I thought I was politically wasn’t quite what I had initially imagined. It galvanized many nebulous feelings I’d had all my life - but never quite knew where to place - into my current political philosophy. The culmination of all that is the essay below.
I’ve decided to repost it here, since my old blog is unavailable at the moment. (Stupid hackers!!) Please understand this is the unedited original post in its entirety. Chances are I might tweak a few things, two years later. But eh, for now, here it is! Enjoy & please feel free to post your thoughts & comments! I’d love to hear from you. :)

Why I’m Politically Independent
by Heather Lawver

I’ve been thinking about how to define my personal political beliefs for a very long time now. I’ve been doing a lot of research, a lot of reading, a lot of listening. I’ve been watching roughly five news shows every single day for the past two and a half years, carefully choosing them to hear from each and every side. I still can’t find any term, any name, any label, that really describes what I believe. So on election day 2010, I’m going to try to describe it in my own words the best way that I can.

I’m not a Republican; “compassionate conservatives” seek to control others because they think they’re more righteous than you. I’m not a Democrat; liberal progressives seek control because they think they’re smarter, you’re weaker. And lest we forget, they’re infinitely more tolerant & loving than you are.
To borrow a phrase from Cass Sunstein, you just have too much Homer Simpson in you to know what’s in your own best interest, intellectually, morally or socially. So it’s up to him, up to the government, up to bureaucrats, to protect us intellectually/spiritually inferior weaklings from our own stupidity, ignorance and bigotry. It’s government’s duty to “nudge” you toward the correct decision. Or better yet, to massage the options available so that each presented choice is the right choice, as determined by them, the self-proclaimed “Choice Architects.”

No, thank you.

What it all boils down to is control, control over you, control over me. No matter what the motives, no matter how golden the intentions, centralized bureaucratic control cannot coexist with liberty. They are oil and water. I don’t want Republicans telling me what I can & cannot do in the bedroom; I don’t want Democrats telling me what I can & cannot do with the money I earn, the food that I choose to eat, or the light bulbs I choose to buy.

How about this instead? A third option, if you will.

As individual Americans, let’s make a pledge between us - I won’t seek to control you, if you don’t seek to control me. If we all looked at politics through that lens, I think the entire debate would radically change. In my opinion, for the better.

It all comes back to what I think should be the full, complete golden rule, in two parts. The first half we all know - do unto others as you would have others do unto you. The second part that I think needs to be added: allow others to do what you wish to do yourself. Translation: don’t seek to control someone else’s life, if you aren’t perfectly fine with someone else controlling yours. That’s the trade off.

Any time you give the government power over any individual’s life, you must accept that government eventually exercising that same power over you. Don’t think you’re special; if that thought ever crosses your mind, you’ve ventured into the realm of the hypocrite. It is inevitable - one of these days, someone you disagree with is going to have that power you so callously granted your government, thinking it would only affect your neighbor, not you. It’s inevitable in a republic that one day the “other side” will have a turn to rule, have a turn at that powerful helm, if a republic is indeed what we still have.

That’s what I believe in politically; I believe in each person’s individual right to determine their own destiny. To reap their own rewards. To suffer the consequences of their own decisions.
To be an adult, with all the rights & responsibilities therein.

One such responsibility is to care for those who absolutely can not care for themselves (not to be confused with those who choose not to.) Never forget, the charity we Americans give of our own free will is at least three times greater than the rest of the world combined. (As recorded in 2008.) No government has the moral authority to dare teach us what it means to be charitable at heart, or force our hand as if we’re the greedy, thoughtless beasts.
Worst of all, if government takes over the responsibility of being charitable, they will rob us of all the blessings involved in giving freely to our brothers & sisters in need. Government will rob the recipient of expressing gratitude & being humbled; government will rob the giver of seeing that gratitude & being humbled. There is a reason charity is so inherent in society; because it reminds us of the best aspects of our humanity. If we hand that responsibility over to the government, we lose that all important reminder of who we are when we’re at our best.

Think of it this way. How often do we walk past a pothole and think, “Why hasn’t someone done something about that?” How often do we walk past a homeless person and think, “Why hasn’t someone provided a homeless shelter?”

Why are we relying on a nameless, faceless someone?

   Because our government is absolving us of our human instinct to care. We paid our taxes, that was enough. Now we can sit back and complain.
   We’ve already seen it happen, so why do we perpetuate it? Why do we hand more and more of our charitable opportunities to that same nameless, faceless someone who hasn’t filled the potholes and hasn’t housed all the homeless? Private charities are so much more efficient than any government program, and yet we keep making it harder and harder for them to operate, because we let government get bigger and bigger. It makes no sense. Name me a single city or state with a large, controlling government that has actually proven to be efficient. While you waste your time looking for a single positive example of government efficiency, I can supply you with example after example - Cleveland, Detroit, hell, the entire state of California.
   Government is robbing us of the need to care for others, and in so doing, robbing us of the inherent blessings.
   In the end, though, even this comes back to control. It always does. Don’t rob collective Peter to pay collective Paul, even if Paul is in sincere need. Don’t control me, don’t force me to give to your pet project. Rather, let me give of my own free will. Because I will, when I’m given the opportunity to choose. Respect me enough as a human being to know that my humanity is still intact, and I will respect you in turn.

When you strip away the slogans, the pomp & circumstance, when you remove all the trappings of good intentions, that’s all government is: control. Its very nature is force.

Each of us when we reach our teenage years are blessed with the undeniable impulse for freedom, for independence. I believe there’s a reason for that, a reason greater than just to get us out from under our parents’ roof. It’s to teach us the importance of determining the course of our own lives. As teenagers we transition from the child in the backseat to the driver behind the wheel.
Take that transition to its full logical conclusion, apply it throughout your life. Don’t choose to be forever the child in the backseat of life, allowing your government to be the parent who drives the car, who determines your ultimate destination. Drive your own car. Make your own choices.

And let me make mine.

Three Wishes

Wed, 18 Jul 2012 19:15:00 -0400

Normally when I’m in the shower or I’m stuck some place & incredibly bored, I’ll inevitably play a little mind game or thought experiment. I’ll pose some sort of question or situation to myself, then think about the consequences, how I would act, how others might act, or what I might do.

Just now while taking a short shower, I wasn’t feeling well so I turned to this usual thought game for distraction. The question I posed to myself is one of my favorites & not exactly an unfamiliar one to most:

If I could have three wishes, what would they be?

The one twist I put on this particular thought game is that each time I pose the question, my wishes have to be at least a little different. If I just wished for the same things all the time the game wouldn’t exactly be very fun, would it?
Surprisingly, over the years it has never been very hard to stick to that rule. After all, we always change with age. And over the course of my life thus far, believe me, I’ve answered this question in a wide variety of ways, creating a multitude of different wishes.

But at least so far, my current trio of wishes if my favorite! So here they are.

Wish One: I wish that my body would always work at 100% pique efficiency; every system of my body, from my brain to my immune system, liver to lungs, would work to the greatest extent of their ability. So much so, that my body would be able to heal itself from any malady, any injury, no matter how severe. With a perfect immune system, my body would be able to prevent any virus or infection from taking hold. In fact, this pique physical condition would be so extreme that I would live for as long as I wish, only dying if & when I decide - of my own free will, with no possibility of coercion - that it was time for me to die.

Of course, some might say that sounds like I’m cheating - it’s an awful lot of wishes all packed into one. But if I’ve learned anything from fairy tales & movies about deals with the devil, it pays to be exceedingly detailed. Just in case. So I’m merely explaining what I mean by “100% pique efficiency.” (Although, again, for the sake of being explicitly clear - if these wishes meant making a deal with the devil, I’m not interested.)

Others might say, why not just condense this wish down to one simple word - Invincibility? Well, I think there’s a bit of a difference between being invincible & being a perfect specimen of the human body at its absolutely most advanced state. After all, you could be the dumbest person on the earth & still technically be invincible. I want invincibility AND mental fortitude to learn or accomplish anything I wish, perfect muscles to allow my body to move any way I want it to, etc.

Wish Two: I wish that I could instantly, safely, and at any time I consciously decided to, teleport any object, thing, or individual (including myself), anywhere in time & space. And by “safely”, I mean that if such a teleport attempt would be in any way harmful - for instance, if I was attempting to teleport myself or someone else directly into moving traffic or into the vacuum of space - I would be warned before the teleport were to take place & have the option to cancel the teleport.

There’s a reason why I want that cancellation option, instead of the transport just not occurring. For instance, what if I knew a bomb was about to go off? Technically it could do damage it I transported it into moving traffic, right? But it’d cause damage if it stayed there too. So I’d hate to accidentally send it somewhere I thought would be safe, but it wasn’t really. Or worse, what if there was some crazed murderer who was hell-bent on killing everyone & every thing on the planet. While I’d prefer to teleport him into prison, if I had no other choice, the vacuum of space would do. Thus, the option to cancel & the option to over-ride.

Wish Three: I wish that I could, at any time I consciously decided to, heal any malady, injury, infection, or any bodily discomfort affecting any other individual or living creature, but without anyone ever knowing that I had done so or that I have the ability to do so, unless I purposefully decided that I want them to know. Such healing wouldn’t necessarily be immediate, so as not to give myself away. I would be able to decide on the time-table, so that it could appear that the individual were still doing everything in their power to heal themselves. But simply at some point along the process, their efforts would “work” & they would be healed.

The nice thing about the “knowing” caveat is, that gives me the luxury of perhaps eventually telling a spouse or loved one, so as to confide in another person I trusted to share the emotional burden or to explain my actions. But since such knowledge is limited only to those I wish to have that knowledge, whoever I tell would then be unable to share that knowledge with others. Again, unless I wanted them to. Thus my secret could always be safe! Ta da! :)

I quite like my three wishes. I think it would lead to a very interesting, complicated - and not to mention, incredibly long - life. And it would certainly be incredibly helpful right now…

I know a lot of people are tempted to wish for endless riches, and of course, I did contemplate that. But I realized that with all of these skills - perfect physical fitness, no possibility of being sick of injured, a perfectly tuned & operating brain, the ability to be anywhere or move anything in time or space - well, I can’t imagine I’d have any difficulty making an honest living. :)

Although I think it’d be pretty darn evil to sell the whole healing thing. I wouldn’t do that, that’s just wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong. And with a perfectly operating brain & heart, I highly doubt a perfectly tuned conscience & sense of logic would allow me to do such a thing any way.

Oh, speaking of logic, I was awfully tempted for my third wish to be a perfectly sense of logic. But I realized that was a bit redundant. If my brain was operating at 100% pique efficiency, I think I’d already have that anyway, right?

So there you have it! My three wishes, dreamt up during a 30 minute shower! :) Any thoughts, reactions, or comments? I’d love to hear them!
And hey, next time you’re bored or taking a long shower, why not play the same game! Then come back and tell me what your three wishes would be! :)

Happy thinking!

Catwoman Necklace Update!

Thu, 28 Jun 2012 10:10:00 -0400

I went shopping today & found some cute swarovski crystals to add some sparkle to my Catwoman necklace. But as I was watching ‘Batman Begins’ & slowly attaching each crystal, I realized… it still wasn’t quite perfect!

I did a little digging & found precisely what the necklace needed - a better, more refined chain style! Annnnd two more strands of chain to provide a more substantial background behind the divine Ms Selena Kyle! Ta da!

Isn’t she pretty? I’m oh so very proud of my creation. I wish you could see the way it sparkles in the sunlight! It’s beyond gorgeous, if I do say so myself.
I decided to be bold & tweeted a picture of it to Paul Dini!! I hope he responds… That’d be a total fan girl’s dream come true!

My next Batman jewelry project will most definitely be a wild Joker necklace. I’ve already started shopping for gems, bits, and pieces for it! It’ll be as colorful, chaotic, and crazy as the Joker himself! And I can’t wait to get started!

Holy Geek Chic Jewelry, Batman!

Tue, 26 Jun 2012 10:59:00 -0400

I’ve been working on a lot of silly creative projects lately to keep myself entertained & happy. My doctor that diagnosed the vein issues I talked about in a previous post, he strongly urged me to do anything & everything I can to stay happy & stress-free.

What better way to stay happy than to make pretty sparklies?! :-D

I started out trying to make custom iPhone cases. I’m still working on it, but progress has been kinda slow going. To make my iPhone cases, I bought various plastic/rubber keychains, which I’d then trim with a hobby knife, glue to an iPhone case, then surround with swarovski crystals. (I’ll post pictures later when I’ve finished one all the way.)
I’ve been doing that with various soft rubber Adventure Time keychains, but then I decided… I wanted a Batman: The Animated Series iPhone case! I’ve been a huge fan of that cartoon ever since I was a kid. What better way to show off my Batman love than to dress up my iPhone, right?

I searched online & I found these super awesome keychains:

   These are original Batman keychains from waaaay back in 1994, still in their original packaging!! I was SO excited that I bought them immediately…
   Buuuuut… I kinda goofed. In my excitement I didn’t stop to ask precisely what type of plastic they were. I just assumed that they were the same soft rubber that my Adventure Time keychains were made out of.
   They’re not. They’re hard plastic. Oops. That means I couldn’t trim off the top of the keychains that connects to the metal loop to make it a keychain. Think about it: how silly would Batman look on the back of my iPhone case with a random black circle of a halo over his head?! Not good.

Thankfully the seller I ordered them from was super nice & she had some plain Batman magnets I was able to buy. So my Batman iPhone case is still in the works. But in the meantime, I wanted to do something with the keychains. But what?

Two nights ago, I finally figured it out!! Drum roll please…

Catwoman Necklace!

I made it all in one night whilst kept awake by my stupid veins freaking out. But I made the best of my all-nighter by having a Batman movie marathon & creating my fabulous necklace! I don’t know if that’s exactly what my doctor had in mind when he ordered me to stay happy, but oh well! Works for me!
As you can see, I used a variety of chain styles. I wanted it to look like something Selena Kyle would piece together from various jewelry remnants stolen from different heists & escapades. Naturally the necklace had to have some kind of claw-like element, so I framed Catwoman with “claws” made from real obsidian. Pretty, huh?

As pretty as it is & as much as I love my necklace, I’m not entirely sure it’s finished… I think it needs something to catch the light & sparkle just a little bit. After all, Catwoman does have a thing for diamonds. What a coincidence, so do I! :)
No, I’m not going to put real diamonds on a silly Catwoman necklace! But I would like to add the next best thing: some kind of briolette-cut white topaz, maybe. We’ll see. I made this necklace from scraps & stones I already had. I’ll have to see what I can find real cheap on ebay or at the local bead store.

In the meantime, though, I shall wear my Catwoman necklace proudly! I’m already thinking about what to do with my other keychains… I’ve had oodles of ideas for a rather colorful Joker necklace! :) I also have keychains of Batman, Robin, and the Batman: The Animated Series logo. We’ll see what they inspire!
Naturally, if there are any fellow Batman fans out there who’d like me to make one of these necklaces for them, feel free to send me an email - HLawver AT gmail DOT com! Or you can send me a tweet - @HLawver! I’d be happy to make one for you!

Until next time, fellow Bat-fans! Same bat-time, same bat-channel! Hehe.

Adventure Time: Gotcha!

Mon, 18 Jun 2012 21:12:57 -0400

As most of my friends know, I’m a huge fan of ‘Adventure Time’ on Cartoon Network. I absolutely adore Pendleton Ward & his crazy creations. But I’m an especially big lumpin’ fan of Lumpy Space Princess. Ever since her first appearance on the show, I’ve felt a kinship with her & her awesome lumps.
After all, the genetic disease I have is often referred to as a “lumpy disease”, since it causes the development of painful tumors. Even before I was introduced to Adventure Time, I always referred to the tumors as “my lumps”. So when Lumpy Space Princess came along with her fantastic attitude & absolute pride in her lumps, I knew I’d found an intergalatic lumpy sister.

I had the chance to talk to Pendleton about this several months ago. I sent him an email to tell him how much I adored Adventure Time, but I especially wanted him to know how grateful I was for LSP. Whenever I’m in pain, whenever I feel at my worst, LSP & Adventure Time never fails to cheer me up & get me smiling again.
Pen was sweet enough to send me a really lumpin’ awesome drawing of Lumpy Space Princess, which now hangs in my room. Oh my glob, it’s just so lumpin’ cool…

But anyway. :) When tonight’s episode - ‘Gotcha’ - was all about LSP, I got all excited! Toward the end of the episode, we were allowed a very quick glimpse of LSP typing out a page of her new book. Thank glob for my Tivo, because I was able to freeze-frame the cartoon & copy down what it said!!

Thus I am proud to present, as featured on tonight’s episode of Adventure Time, a single page of Lumpy Space Princess’s magnum opus, “I Wrote a Book”!

    I realized I was the greatest Adventure secretary that had ever passed through the junky doors of Fin & Jake Adventuring Incorporated. I had left an indelible mark for real. But that was nothing compared to my next realisation. Are you ready for it. The realisation? It’s coming up in the next paragraph.

    I never realized it was Finn who was hot all along. Finn … was the one who was HOT. I know, right. Finn? I mean, Finn … Finn! Finn? He was pretty nice to me. And he saved me from even hotter shadow guy versions of himself.

    I don’t now how it happened. Usually, I’m super observant about these kinds of things. Like that one time Melissa’s lump was all crooked when she came back from the bathroom. I observed that. I observed that all day and I didn’t say anything. She must have been so embarrassed for herself. What-ever. ‘Cause that’s what you deserve when you DO LSP. Ha. Oh, she knows what she did … No, I’m not going to tell you.

    After all, a girl’s got to have some mysteries.

    Anyway, I’ll talk to you later, book. To recap, Finn is the one who is hot. I’ll see you in the next chapter. BUMPS.

I hope you enjoyed this selection from LSP’s first book. I certainly did!

And yet again, I want to say a big huge lumpin’ THANK YOU to Pendleton Ward for his awesomeness & his epic Billy-esque heroic kindness in sending me that drawing of LSP. It’s hanging up on the wall across from my bed, so that I see LSP first thing each morning when I wake up. Whenever I see my LSP I can’t help but smile! She’s a constant reminder that no matter what, I should always be proud of…

♩ ♪ ♫ ♬ Theeeese lumps! I know you wanna slump up on theese lumps! But you can’t cause you’re a chump! A chuuuuuuuump! ♬ ♫ ♪ ♩

Thanks, Pen! Oh my glob, you’re just so lumpin’ awesome…

So if someone keeps correcting you - a fellow adult - over little tiny things, but they never...

Thu, 14 Jun 2012 20:08:15 -0400

So if someone keeps correcting you - a fellow adult - over little tiny things, but they never correct any other adults around, isn’t that a kind of clear sign they still see you as a child? As someone lesser than they?
I’m getting a little tired of it. But have no clue what to do about it. So I think
I’ll just extricate myself for a bit. It just sucks. How many times do I have to point out that I’m no longer 8 years old? Decades have past since I was! *sigh*

Do you ever get the feeling people think you’re an idiot? Or a child? How do you even go about...

Sun, 10 Jun 2012 15:26:18 -0400

Do you ever get the feeling people think you’re an idiot? Or a child? How do you even go about trying to fix that? Or do you just ignore it & avoid it?

Uh Oh!

Thu, 31 May 2012 01:52:50 -0400

So you’re probably wondering why you ended up here instead of my usual blog. That’s because my other one got hacked.

Joy of joys.

I didn’t want anyone ending up with something malicious on their site, so I’ve temporarily directed my domain name here to my tumblr site instead.
I have no freaking clue what I’m going to do. My site was on Moveable Type before and it got hacked. I have years of experience with WordPress, but all of those have gotten hacked too. It just seems like nothing’s safe anymore. I have NO clue what to do.

Anybody have any ideas? I’m just so freaking sick of this. And I also don’t exactly have time to fix it right now. I have things I need to get done & I have family coming to visit. So I’m sorry to say my regular blog might not be back up for a while. My apologies.

And to anyone who ended up with malicious nastiness on their computer, I sincerely apologize! :( If you’ve visited the blog in the past couple weeks, you might wanna do a virus scan on your computer just in case. Again, I’m very, very sorry!

*sigh* If any of you have any suggestions, please let me know! And in the meantime, I guess I’ll call Tumblr home.

Is it wrong of me to feel let down? I never thought I’d find myself in such a helpless...

Wed, 02 May 2012 03:08:34 -0400

Is it wrong of me to feel let down? I never thought I’d find myself in such a helpless situation.
All my life I’ve tried to give everything for my friends, for those close to me. If I found out one of them was dying & I could do something to help, I wouldn’t hesitate. I’d drop everything & be there tomorrow.
It’s hard realizing that now I’m on the other end of that. Yet nothing’s happening. I’ve opened up my most personal & embarrassing problems… and nothing. Just nothing.

That is not a good feeling.

Pulling the Trigger

Thu, 05 Apr 2012 01:25:05 -0400

Just now I was washing my hands in the bathroom. I looked down & watched my veins light up. It spread from my wrist to the tips of my fingers, getting darker & darker.
That’s when it hit me. My body, my nervous system, is essentially playing Russian Roulette. Every single nerve signal is a pull on the trigger. And each second of each day, there are millions of nerve signals all over my body. I’m stuck in a loop, a constant spin of that revolver’s barrel. A million triggers pulled every minute.
All it takes is one errant nerve signal in the wrong spot. My heart, my lungs, my brain. Eventually a bullet will enter the chamber and that’ll be that. I’m either a vegetable or I’m dead. It could be next year, next month, next week. Or tomorrow. Or hell, fifteen minutes from now.

I still can’t quite fully grasp that concept. It’s like I know it, but at the same time, I don’t. I don’t feel any different than I did the day before I found out. The symptoms are the same. They were scary before. But they’re sure as hell frightening now.
And it’s all the more frustrating that I feel so helpless.